Can you feel secure in a relationship that is based on sex?

The inevitable problem with friends with benefits is that someone always catches feelings and wants the relationship to be more serious. However, one of my longest sex-based relationships never got to the point where we asked, What are we? Instead, we spent two years undressing each other the minute we stepped into the bedroom and never asked for more than what we gave.

Feeling safe with no attachments

The ironic thing is, even though we never evolved into anything serious, it was one of the most secure relationships I had.

When I think back to this particular lover, whom I only saw when we were half-naked in his bedroom or mine, my body tingles, and I’m filled with a sense of calm and satisfaction. He had a special way of lusting after me that made me feel desired yet validated as a person — playful, mixing desire with respect.

Our encounters often started the same way. He’d buzz me into his apartment building, and when I got off the elevator, his door would be slightly open, inviting me inside. I’d often find him wandering the apartment naked. He proudly flaunted his sculpted body and that carved V shape at his groin — a visual display of the meal I would devour.

Little words were exchanged when we first met. Our mouths were too busy tasting each other. Anxious and excited, I was often calmed by his presence. He had a way of giving me all his attention — grazing his hands across every inch of my body, letting me know he was focused on me. The way he grabbed my hips told me he was in control, signaling that I could surrender to my animalistic desires.

The foreplay was always a precursor to what was to come, a dance between pain and pleasure. He would sink his teeth into the base of my neck, and my nerves would fire as if electricity jolted through my veins. He’d throw me on the bed, toss my legs over his head, and we would go at it until our bodies tired out and we’d doze off.

It was in those restful moments that I felt the safest. I knew that what we shared was lust and mutual respect. There were no further expectations, and I could leave in the morning knowing that eventually we’d do it all over again, with no strings attached.

Friends with benefits but less superficial

I would like to think that we were more than friends with benefits, and to call us a situationship sounds too mundane. We were people who liked each other’s company — two humans wildly attracted to each other. We established from the beginning, with very few words, that it was just about sex. Yet he never made me feel like I was someone he would just “hit it and quit it.”

He would often make small gestures, bringing little treats to eat — donuts, muffins, and once, soup — to secure our bond as more than physical but less serious than a commitment.

I never met his friends, and he never met mine, but I knew that if I needed a favor — sexual or not — I could call him.

This relationship was one of the simplest and longest sexual relationships I had. We inconsistently met for about two years. I mostly went to his place; occasionally, he came to mine.

I think what helped keep it simple was that we didn’t set expectations. We accepted what was, we accepted what each other had to give. And it was nice to have a sexual relationship about pleasure, friendship, and nothing more.

Things to Consider and Lessons to Be Learned

• There is value in relationships that are just sexual.

• No matter the type of relationship you have with someone, you should always feel safe.

• Not every relationship needs a label — what’s more important is a common understanding.

What are your takeaways? Feel free to comment on the above questions or simply save them for when you need them.